When i was 18 i fell pregnant with my first child Connor. He wasn't planned and now looking back i was 100% not ready to be a mum. I honestly thought it would be easy. (yes i was that naive). I had only been dating his dad for a month when i fell pregnant. I had always loved babies growing up something i inherited from my mother i'm guessing (she has 5 of us). I honestly thought it would be as easy as all those times i had babysat or been around babies... Boy was i wrong. The pregnancy came as a great shock to me, my body went crazy! I felt sick all the time, tierd, hungry. My belly got bigger and bigger and only being 4ft 9" it was a big strain on me. We (me & cons dad) also never had any money being on Job seekers with no life prospects just being young and thinking the world would fall at our feet (again very naive) we were never any good at keeping hold of the money we did get for long. Most of the time it was owed out before we even got it. Never any gas or electric not even food most days we'd end up round and Connors nans house. I didn't have any family up here at the time so it was literally Connors dads family was the only support i had. And wow they really are amazing even to this day.
Anyhoo when Connor was born i grew up very quickly and began to realise 'holy crap. i'm in charge of keeping this tiny little human alive' Not only was he counting on me financially but physically and emotionally. After the struggle of 6 months of waiting for Connors dad to grow up and be the responsable partner i needed i finally realised he wasn't ready to grow up and we went our seperate ways. It was HARD! I'd let myself get to such a low place with my self esteem wondering why he wouldn't grow up and be the man i needed it must have been my fault right? But after a while when the anger and resentment subsided i began to realise that no it wasn't me. He just wasn't ready for it and it was easier for him to walk away. I gradually began to pick myself up and realise if i didn't go out and get what i wanted from the world it wasn't gonna come and get me. Watching Connor grow and relying on the goverment to support him i quickly began to realise he deserved so much more and decided to enroll for college. Much to my dissapointment i had left it too late for that year and was not offered a place. Around this time 7 months after splitting up with Connors dad i met baby daddy no.2.
Things moved very quickly after 5 months we were engaged and shortly after followed pregnancy no.2. Again i was naive and thought everything would be great and i'd have the family i had always dreamed of. IT WASN'T. 3 months into my pregnancy Lily-Graces dad deployed for Afgan with the army. My pregnancy and the flaws in our relationship vastly became apparent. The pregnancy was very lonely i became very depressed and even had suicidle thoughts regularly. If it wasn't for the fact Lily would have died too i doubt i would still be here. Her dad didn't really want to speak to me and didn't show much interest in my pregnancy or what was to come at the end of it. It was heartbreaking that once again i had put so much trust into a man to save me and give me my dream family that it just turned out to be another boy not ready to grow up and take the responsabilities that came with the seed he had planted. Things were very up and down breaking up getting back togeather for months and months. With other factors involved things were very rocky. But a few months after Lily-Grace was born i decided with him being posted further down the country if we wanted to have the family life i so longed for we needed to get married and the family needed to go with him.
The wedding never happened... it was planned, but never happened. As i was getting money togeather and buying all the things we needed making the bookings picking the colours, dresses, suits, even getting in touch with the army to sort out what he was wearing. It became so clear he really wasn't arsed. That alone should have been alarm bells for me but i was so busy concentrating on creating the perfect day i just had to get on with it alone. A month before the wedding after post natal depression and all the other factors that had rocked the boat from his side a huge blow-up at his mums house erupted. i wont go into detail as i dont like to talk about what happened that night but it showed me. He was not the man i thought he was and i called off the wedding. And after a few months of trying to work it out i finally grew a backbone and walked away.
Looking back at the last few years its crazy. It took me TWO babies to realise that i can't rely on a man to save me. I have to rely on only myself. Because im the only one who knows what i truly want and these boys dont even know what they want or what's best for them never mind a whole family. I'm happier now than i have been in so many years probably scince i was about 16 when i had not a care in the world. At the start of the year i told myself '2013 will be my year' & despite all the crap thats been thrown my way, all the times ive been knocked down, ive got back up and carried on fighting and now i have a placement in a salon im 4 months in to my level 1 hairdressing course. Im learning to drive. My two babies are growing into the most wonderful little personalities and i've met a great man who instead of bringing me down lifts me up and makes me believe that i am amazing as i feel i want to be.
Now back to the title of this post you must be thinking 'why on Gods earth does she want anymore kids when she's only now getting on her feet?' right?
Dont worry im not pregnant nor plan to be anytime in the next 10 years lol i think its literally just watching everyone around me having babies and looking back on pictures of when mine were so tiny. So cute. And now theye not babies anymore. They're little people!! i just miss having a baby in my arms a gorgeous little tiny human i made inside of me. The smell they have all the little daft things they do for the first time that make your heart melt. I just miss being so needed now Connor and Lily are becoming so independant. Children are the greatest gift and i am so lucky to have such beautiful healthy ones. But... i know that im not in any position to bring another life into this world i am not financially stable as of yet and there is alot more i want from life and to give the two children i have before i consider another. I want my career and i want to be a huge success i want to have all the things my heart desires for me and my children and i want to go out there and work hard to get it. And by God's grace i believe i will. So to clarify i just miss them being small and do not plan on hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet until i have the stabilty a family needs. Im just going to enjoy what i have now and take full advantage of the opportunities that have come my way.
So that was a lot to take in i bet lol Anyway now you know a little more about me and my journey so far. If you have any questions or comments please leave them below as id love to hear from you.
Much Love Hana xX
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