Single Mum Of Two & Wanting More

Hey so first off i thought i'd tell you a bit about my story so far...

When i was 18 i fell pregnant with my first child Connor. He wasn't planned and now looking back i was 100% not ready to be a mum. I honestly thought it would be easy. (yes i was that naive). I had only been dating his dad for a month when i fell pregnant. I had always loved babies growing up something i inherited from my mother i'm guessing (she has 5 of us). I honestly thought it would be as easy as all those times i had babysat or been around babies... Boy was i wrong. The pregnancy came as a great shock to me, my body went crazy! I felt sick all the time, tierd, hungry. My belly got bigger and bigger and only being 4ft 9" it was a big strain on me. We (me & cons dad) also never had any money being on Job seekers with no life prospects just being young and thinking the world would fall at our feet (again very naive) we were never any good at keeping hold of the money we did get for long. Most of the time it was owed out before we even got it. Never any gas or electric not even food most days we'd end up round and Connors nans house. I didn't have any family up here at the time so it was literally Connors dads family was the only support i had. And wow they really are amazing even to this day.

Anyhoo when Connor was born i grew up very quickly and began to realise 'holy crap. i'm in charge of keeping this tiny little human alive' Not only was he counting on me financially but physically and emotionally. After the struggle of 6 months of waiting for Connors dad to grow up and be the responsable partner i needed i finally realised he wasn't ready to grow up and we went our seperate ways. It was HARD! I'd let myself get to such a low place with my self esteem wondering why he wouldn't grow up and be the man i needed it must have been my fault right? But after a while when the anger and resentment subsided i began to realise that no it wasn't me. He just wasn't ready for it and it was easier for him to walk away. I gradually began to pick myself up and realise if i didn't go out and get what i wanted from the world it wasn't gonna come and get me. Watching Connor grow and relying on the goverment to support him i quickly began to realise he deserved so much more and decided to enroll for college. Much to my dissapointment i had left it too late for that year and was not offered a place. Around this time 7 months after splitting up with Connors dad i met baby daddy no.2.

Things moved very quickly after 5 months we were engaged and shortly after followed pregnancy no.2. Again i was naive and thought everything would be great and i'd have the family i had always dreamed of. IT WASN'T. 3 months into my pregnancy Lily-Graces dad deployed for Afgan with the army. My pregnancy and the flaws in our relationship vastly became apparent. The pregnancy was very lonely i became very depressed and even had suicidle thoughts regularly. If it wasn't for the fact Lily would have died too i doubt i would still be here. Her dad didn't really want to speak to me and didn't show much interest in my pregnancy or what was to come at the end of it. It was heartbreaking that once again i had put so much trust into a man to save me and give me my dream family that it just turned out to be another boy not ready to grow up and take the responsabilities that came with the seed he had planted. Things were very up and down breaking up getting back togeather for months and months. With other factors involved things were very rocky. But a few months after Lily-Grace was born i decided with him being posted further down the country if we wanted to have the family life i so longed for we needed to get married and the family needed to go with him.

The wedding never happened... it was planned, but never happened. As i was getting money togeather and buying all the things we needed making the bookings picking the colours, dresses, suits, even getting in touch with the army to sort out what he was wearing. It became so clear he really wasn't arsed. That alone should have been alarm bells for me but i was so busy concentrating on creating the perfect day i just had to get on with it alone. A month before the wedding after post natal depression and all the other factors that had rocked the boat from his side a huge blow-up at his mums house erupted. i wont go into detail as i dont like to talk about what happened that night but it showed me. He was not the man i thought he was and i called off the wedding. And after a few months of trying to work it out i finally grew a backbone and walked away.

Looking back at the last few years its crazy. It took me TWO babies to realise that i can't rely on a man to save me. I have to rely on only myself. Because im the only one who knows what i truly want and these boys dont even know what they want or what's best for them never mind a whole family. I'm happier now than i have been in so many years probably scince i was about 16 when i had not a care in the world. At the start of the year i told myself '2013 will be my year' & despite all the crap thats been thrown my way, all the times ive been knocked down, ive got back up and carried on fighting and now i have a placement in a salon im 4 months in to my level 1 hairdressing course. Im learning to drive. My two babies are growing into the most wonderful little personalities and i've met a great man who instead of bringing me down lifts me up and makes me believe that i am amazing as i feel i want to be.

Now back to the title of this post you must be thinking 'why on Gods earth does she want anymore kids when she's only now getting on her feet?' right?

Dont worry im not pregnant nor plan to be anytime in the next 10 years lol i think its literally just watching everyone around me having babies and looking back on pictures of when mine were so tiny. So cute. And now theye not babies anymore. They're little people!! i just miss having a baby in my arms a gorgeous little tiny human i made inside of me. The smell they have all the little daft things they do for the first time that make your heart melt. I just miss being so needed now Connor and Lily are becoming so independant. Children are the greatest gift and i am so lucky to have such beautiful healthy ones. But... i know that im not in any position to bring another life into this world i am not financially stable as of yet and there is alot more i want from life and to give the two children i have before i consider another. I want my career and i want to be a huge success i want to have all the things my heart desires for me and my children and i want to go out there and work hard to get it. And by God's grace i believe i will. So to clarify i just miss them being small and do not plan on hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet until i have the stabilty a family needs. Im just going to enjoy what i have now and take full advantage of the opportunities that have come my way.

So that was a lot to take in i bet lol Anyway now you know a little more about me and my journey so far. If you have any questions or comments please leave them below as id love to hear from you.

Much Love Hana xX

Life is Swell-Babies,Moves & Brighter futures! :D

Hey this is just a quick post to let you guys know why im loving life.
Yay so after a rough three years things are really starting to come togeather so far this year from aug2012-2013 ive moved house, had a new baby (princess Lily-Grace). Enrolled for a hairdressing course in college.

Had a new baby nephew Harry

 Then my sister moved up from London along with my brother and his lovely family. Ive started my driving lessons and will hopefully be passed by christmas. Everything is just looking so much better the future seems brighter and i can't wait. :D i am so thankful to God for answering all my prayers and continuing to help me through when i thought he had forgotten me. Praise God for he is AWESOME! :)
Anyhoo just felt happy and wanted to share. Leave me a comment below about the great things that you have been blessed with!
Hana xX

Children = Mayhem.

Hey so my little boy Connor is 3 years old now and my little girl Lily-Grace is almost 10 months. The shinanigans the two of them get up to is just crazy they are like little torneados destroying everything in their path. Today Connor filled yhr toilet with bath toys! And when i asked him why he said... 'a bit of fun'. Now im not being funny but what on earth goes through a childs mind to make them think the toys wouldnt end up in the bin after. If hes pulling stunts like this now i am dreading the teenage years!! I really wish i'd of taken a photo it was rather amusing 'til i had to fish them all out. Alls i can say is thank the Lord for rubber gloves and that it had been flushed already!!

I know not to go crazy at him because i remember doing crazy things like that when i was younger just for 'a bit of fun' lol

A few other incidents have included the good old teepeeing of the upstairs bedrooms, throwing globs of wet sand at the walls of the outside of the house or 'decorating' as Connor likes to say. When i was visiting my bestie in belfast my Goddaughter and Connor decided to decorate the inside of Jades (the bestie) car with a sharpie and mascara. Including the steering wheel and windows. Then of course there was the time my Goddaughter plastered herself and the contents of her mothers living room in sudocrem. And the talc number too.
Its rather amusing when you first see it and you know they must of had a ball, little monkeys. But the clean up after is a pain in the bootie. I suppose its their way of keeping us fit lol anyway thats just a few of the shinanigans that stick out i suppose ive got round two coming when Lily-Grace is old enough for mischeif. In the meantime ill be happy to just watch Connor express his inner monkey.

Every toy he could possibly find i think...

Here are two seperate occasions of when i've been cleaning in the kitchen and come back in.

Connor did this to her with his pan au chocolat.

Thanks for reading. If your little one or any little ones you know have caused a similar sort of mayhem tell me about it in the comments below. Kids are so funny. Id love to hear your 'exercise regimes' ;)

Hana xX

Home Alone... Day 1

Hello there friend :)
I am alone for a whole week!! The bambinos have gone off to the caravan in wales with ther nan and granderand. So im left twiddling my thumbs and i seriously am bored and do not know what to do with myself. I woke up around 12 in the afternoon after going to bed at around 1am probably the longest sleep ive had in the three years my lovely babies have been on this earth. im not sure if my bodies trying to catch up for the last three years or if im ill but i have slept like the dead for the last 3-4 days. It's just not like me at all! i also still feel pooped and feel abit car sick even though i havnt been in a car today hmm confused face o_O.

Anyhoo so yeh i got up got myself dressed... i say dressed i just threw on some clothes an put my hair up. Then at half 12 i walked up the street and round the corner to view a flat for my lovely sister who is moving up from london in a week woohooooo :) so the flat wasnt great but yakno these things need to be seen to be sure. The estate agent i think his name was Lewis... maybe thats someone else i dont know. but anyway he actually ended up showing me 3 flats because the whole building was empty... kind of creepy really but the first two were no use anyway because they were one beds and just wernt that great really. The last flat he showed me was wayyyy up at the top of the tower, ok so it wasnt in a tower but it was in the attic/roofspace. I was really dissapointed to be honest it was so dirty and dusty and just no way to show off to potential tennants. Ill insert some pictures here...

Ok so the pictures dont look awful and its not the worst place ive seen but even still it was dirty and i mean D.I.R.T.Y. 

After viewing the flat(s) i got home at about 1.30 had something to eat watched some youtubers and cleaned my living room carpet it was abit crazy at first because i didnt have a clue what i was doing but i got the hang of it. i used the VAX powermax carpet washer it was surprisingly easy and now my carpet smells great. It took around 20 minutes for the whole process wich included putting the water and washing fluid in and then soaking the carpet and sucking up all the minging water. so its about 9pm now and my carpets dry, smells great and has its original colour back... tbh there wasnt much change in the colour anyway because its a brown carpet but it looks fresh anyway :) 

When i finished doing that i got into bed and continued to feel sorry for myself because im all alone in the world and feel ill. I carried on watching youtube and then decided to blog because i have been neglecting you! I am now going to go do some work on a blog all about living with my sons right hemeplegia/ cerebral palsy. how we discoverd it, how it affects him, what treatment he gets and so on and so forth it wont be up straight away because there is ALOT to talk about but look out for it in a few weeks and ill be sure to update as much as i can this week what im upto while im home alone. 

Thanks for reading and dont forget to leave a comment. love to hear from you. Hana xX